Because the pace of life in India is much slower, I have had plenty of time to think about my life, where I came from and how I got here.  Although I am about to start a PhD program and come from a family that is considered moderately affluent, I am not married and I do not have children.  Worse, I have opinions. Being a woman in India is difficult on many levels but being an Indian woman in America is no walk in the park either.  None of this is new to anyone who has read my blog.

I am learning to moderate myself.  I am not liking it but I must adjust because this is my parents’ world, not mine.  If I were to call out every indignity or insult, my parents would probably leave me at home every time.  More importantly, I seem to invite this attention because I say things like, “I don’t need a husband to take care of myself” or “I don’t want to have children.”  Clearly, I upset their world views; I challenge their beliefs.  Some might call me a coward for not confronting every insult or hurtful remark, but why would I want to subject myself to it?  I won’t change their minds.  For them, I am an anomaly to be kept away from the children so I do not set a bad example.  So, I keep quiet a lot.    It got me thinking of how I used to be, railing at everything with little use for strategy.

Here in Kerala, I conform but there was a time when I did not.   Over a decade ago, a few people in my Indian church in New York tried to kick me out because I decided to divorce the husband who married me only to come to America.  Many of these people had known me since I was small.  I was a member of that church long before these members even came to America.  Truthfully, these people just did not like the fact that I stood up for myself and would not let them bully me.  The leader of that group, a man, told me I was not a “girl”.   In his eyes, he was handing me a crushing insult because I did not fill the standard role of a girl in Indian life. It was rather silly to use that insult on me.  It betrayed his lack of awareness of women like me. He relied on limiting gender-assigned roles from his childhood in Kerala.  Most of us who fight for equality don’t see ourselves as girls anyway.  We are women.  We are adults and we have functioning brains. We do not exist just to cook, clean, and to carry babies.  Even back then, I did not defer to men just because they lived and breathed.  To be clear, I also did not just listen to women either.  I listened to reason and logic.  I used evidence practices to make decisions. In short, I was an adult even if he only saw me as  a little girl without enough sense to listen to everything he said.

To be continued in Part II – Stay tuned.

In Part I of this posting, I mentioned the visits I made to family and friends. My list includes the visits to the gravesides of paternal and maternal grandparents and great-grandparents, and great-aunts and uncles.  In our custom, even though they are gone, our elders are always with us in our hearts. We pray to them regularly and offer prayers on their death anniversaries either graveside or in church.

I would like to take a moment to explain the value of the blessings from your elders.  As a grandchild born into any family, there are great hopes attached to you.  Along with these hopes, are the blessings of your elders for your prosperity in life and family.  I did not understand the value of these blessings until I lost my last grandparent but I think of it often now. When you have your elders with you, you learn about your parents and their lives growing up.  You learn about who they were and who you were as you grew.  Sometimes you learn that you have always been spunky and funny or that you were always serious.  I learned that I was always curious, always had an answer for every question, and wanted to explore everything.

Since I was born in India, I was the only one of my siblings who knew my grandparents and great-grandparents.  I have memories of them during my short time in India before moving to the United States.   Over the years, we lost these elders one by one.  In 2012, my remaining grandmother passed away about a month after my sister’s son, Jonathan, was born.  I was quite surprised how keenly I felt that loss. It’s actually not that surprising when you consider that I was with her for two years when my Mom first moved to the United States.   A day later, Jonathan’s paternal great-grandmother passed away, also in India.    This little boy, who is a pride and jewel of our family and at that time, the only grandchild of my parents, lost two of his elders without receiving their blessings and love. Unfortunately, Jonathan’s paternal grandfather had also passed away many years ago, so he started out with only three grandparents.

None of those who have passed will ever get to hold him or whisper their love to him.  Now Jonathan is almost five and he has a sister and a cousin-sister through my brother and his wife.  None of these children will ever get the direct blessings of the elders who have passed.  The next best thing is to learn about these elders from those who remember them.  Unfortunately, small children cannot fathom the enormity of this loss but in their hopeful way, they can reflect the blessings, love, and prosperity that we all look for. The rest of us who are with the children can offer them the unconditional love and blessings they would have received.  I also think it’s possible to pray to those whom we have lost and tell them about the children who are in our family now.  I would like to believe that all the elders we have lost can see how their grandchildren and great-grandchildren are growing and send their blessings to them anyway.

Although my focus has been on biological family so far, I would like to take a moment to talk about the new folks I have met on this trip.  Some of these friends have become my family through my choice. Others, I avoid like the plague after the initial meeting, also by choice.  Some I met through church, others through extended family, but all now are a part of my world.  Initially, I may appear interesting to new folks because I am new and different in their social spheres.

Sometimes folks are overly excited to meet me, especially when they find out I live and work in the United States.  I find that to be disconcerting at times because I have learned the hard way that some people will use you to gain something better for their lives. To be fair, the overly enthusiastic people could just be offering the respect and affection they have for my parents to me, which is a wonderful thing.  Other times, they have no idea who I am beyond the U.S. passport.

Imagine for a moment that you are stuck in an inescapable place or moment in life where your day to day existence is interminable.  The opportunities for you or your family to succeed or to make money are very limited.  If you are in this position, you might decide to avail yourself of any chance that comes along no matter the cost to anyone else.  Some of us who have had arranged marriages with men or women from abroad understand this firsthand, so a reluctance to engage with those whose excitement overflows like a geyser upon hearing that you work and live in the U.S. is normal.  My caution might be off putting for those who have never experienced being used for a ticket to the United States.  It’s been many years since this happened and I have come to understand and respect the depths someone will go to in order to “rescue” themselves from their terrible situation.

However, I am still on guard for those who may see me only as a potential ticket or conduit to attaining their wishes.  They are quite easy to spot.  Once they realize that I cannot bring them to the United States or that I do not have the money parents have, they stop communicating with me.  Rather than being annoyed or irritated, I take it for what it is.  What they are doing is not personal nor is it a reflection on me.  Here in India, that’s life.  What can someone do for you?  Nothing?  Well, then let’s not waste time pretending that we are friends.

From an American sensibility, it might seem opportunistic or selfish, but is it really?  Isn’t this what we do with old coworkers, friends, or neighbors when we take a new job or move to a new place?  How about the folks in our networks who we’ve stopped communicating with on LinkedIn or Facebook because they do not contribute anything positive or constructive to our lives?  Have you considered those whom you have not heard from in a long time?   Whatever the reason may be, don’t judge. Just appreciate the people who are important and present in your life.

In January, when I started out on this journey, I did not realize how important family and new friends would be.  In India, blood defines relationships. Frequently, friends and neighbors become family because of circumstances like marriage to a relative or for those who are abroad, shared experiences in India.  This last bit is quite important for those who encounter these neighbors abroad.  The shared experiences of childhood, school, or even military time (in my father’s case) become valuable connections as we age.

During my time here, I have visited many family members, some who I knew before and others I met for the first time.  With my parents, I have attended two funerals, a prayer for someone who passed away in our church, and a wedding.   I have also visited the graves of my grandparents, great-grandparents, great-aunts, and great-uncles.  With each visit, I ask for the connection to my past, if any. Sometimes it’s only my parents’ connection that brought us to the visit.

When given the connection, occasionally, I can recall visits from my early childhood.  If I do remember, it might be a facet of the house or the land that sticks out the most for me.   Sometimes, the faces are very familiar but I cannot place the exact relation.  These are particularly meaningful memories for me and when a relative also remembers me from that time, it’s nice to hear that I am still the same as I was when I was child.

I am so glad I came to India for a prolonged stay. I used to think I had a small family.  Now, I recognize my large family and I know many of them.   Thanks to WhatsApp and Facebook, I will remain in touch with most of them too even after I return to the U.S.    For most of my family, they know each other well even if they don’t see other regularly.  For me, I met so many of them for the first time or, for some, for first time as an adult.   Usually, past trips to India were a blur with a barrage of relatives without a manual to identify who’s who and how they are related to me.  Now, I have faces, names, and new memories to catalog from this trip.    With technology, I will remain in contact with quite a few no matter where my travels will take me.  And my family will continue to grow.

Apologies to my readers for being MIA these last two weeks.   My connectivity was mostly absent. I focused on learning my languages and catching up on reading instead of shaking my fists at the router whenever I could not connect.

I have been in India for eighty-three days now.  You might think that being a woman of Indian origin made it easier to live in India for an extended period.  Allow me to knock that notion right out of your head. I am a brown girl, but I have spent my life in America with instant access to most of what I needed. I  accept that I am spoiled western girl but life in India is teaching me to appreciate the little things in life. Here are some of the more practical lessons.

1. Hot sunny weather is worse when 200% humidity accompanies it. Okay, it’s really only 98%, but you get my point.  Be prepared to adjust your travel  and your attitude to accommodate this.
2. No amount of sun block keeps you from getting very dark but use it anyway.
3. It’s hot at night too; your room air conditioner will be your best friend.
4. When the power goes out, the internet goes out too (even if you have a generator). Yes, I should have known this, but who really thinks about power outages in the U.S.?
5. Just because your Wi-Fi shows that it is connected does not mean that you can connect or download anything. Take a beat to breathe. No matter how much you may want to throw your computer across the room, you will need it later when the connection gets better.
6. Your phone service may disappear as you walk from one side of the house to the other, so take your most important calls in the front yard. On the plus side, there might be a nice breeze out there.
7. Turn off the Wi-Fi on your phone before going to bed. At night, the Wi-Fi disappears and your phone will spend all night searching for the elusive Wi-Fi. Consequently, your phone will be dead before your alarm should go off in the morning.
8. When your laptop screen starts flickering and then goes gray, it might be really hot. You should plan lap top usage to account for this overheating.
9. Make sure to always purchase a micro-SD card for extended storage on your kindle or e-reader. This allows you to download a major portion of your videos, books, and audio files in advance for when you have inconsistent or insufficient connectivity.
10. Make sure you have back up plug converters and chargers. The converter plug I purchased from Amazon did not work after 75 days.   Thank goodness for my back up converters.
11. There is no such thing as drinking too much water in this climate, so always keep water with you.
12. When going out, no matter how much attention you give to your attire, someone will stare at you. Just let it go and enjoy your time thinking about how wonderful it is to travel in a car with a functioning air conditioner in this heat.
13. During your walks on main roads, make sure to walk in the direction of oncoming traffic. Always make sure you know if you are in a right-hand or left-hand driving country. Your life will depend on getting this correct.
14. Lastly, you cannot pet every dog, cat, chicken, or cow you see on the road.

I could go on with more of the little lessons but I think you get the picture.  Please share this list with your friends or family who might be traveling abroad.    Thanks for following me.

Apologies to my readers for being MIA these last two weeks.   My connectivity was mostly absent. I focused on learning my languages and catching up on reading instead of shaking my fists at the router whenever I could not connect.

I have been in India for eighty-three days now.  You might think that being a woman of Indian origin made it easier to live in India for an extended period.  Allow me to tell you otherwise. I am a brown girl, but I have spent my life in America with instant access to most of what I needed. I embrace that I am spoiled western girl but life in India is teaching me to appreciate the little things in life. Here are some of the more practical lessons.

1. Hot sunny weather is worse when 200% humidity accompanies it. Okay, it’s really only 98%, but you get my point.  Be prepared to adjust your travel  and your attitude to accommodate this.
2. No amount of sun block keeps you from getting very dark but use it anyway.
3. It’s hot at night too; your room air conditioner will be your best friend.
4. When the power goes out, then internet goes out too (even if you have a generator). Yes, I should have known this, but who really thinks about power outages in the U.S.?
5. Just because your Wi-Fi shows that it is connected does not mean that you can connect to or download anything. Take a beat to breathe. No matter how much you may want to throw your computer across the room, you will need it later when the connection gets better.
6. Your phone service may disappear as you walk from one side of the house to the other, so take your most important calls in the front yard. On the plus side, there might be a nice breeze out there.
7. Turn off the Wi-Fi on your phone before going to bed. At night, the Wi-Fi disappears and your phone will spend all night trying to search for and connect to the elusive Wi-Fi. Consequently, your phone will be dead before your alarm should go off in the morning.
8. When your laptop screen starts flickering and then goes gray, it might be really hot. You should plan lap top usage to account for this overheating.
9. Make sure to always purchase a micro-SD card for extended storage on your kindle or e-reader. This allows you to download a major portion of your videos, books, and audio files in advance for when you have inconsistent or insufficient connectivity.
10. Make sure you have back up plug converters and chargers. The converter plug I purchased from Amazon did not work after 75 days.   Thank goodness for my back up converters.
11. There is no such thing as drinking too much water in this climate, so always keep water with you.
12. When going out, no matter how much attention you give to your attire, someone will stare at you. Just let it go and enjoy your time thinking about how wonderful it is to travel in a car with a functioning air conditioner in this heat.
13. During your walks on main roads, make sure to walk in the direction of oncoming traffic. Always make sure you know if you are in a right-hand or left-hand driving country. Your life will depend on getting this correct.
14. Lastly, you cannot pet every dog, cat, chicken, or cow you see on the road.

I could go on with more of the little lessons but I think you get the picture.  Feel free to share this list with your friends or family who might be traveling abroad.    Thanks for following me.