2023 – The Year of My TEDx Talk & Revealing my Not-so-secret Secret

CW: Suicide & Suicide-Loss Survivorship

It is mid-December and 2024 is almost upon us, and I could write about how I am carefully and thoughtfully prepping for January. But my TEDx Talk titled “Changing how we talk about suicide” was posted a few days ago and I would rather write about it. This talk changed my life in so many ways and I hope it changes the lives of other folks as well.

When I began the preparation for the talk, especially the rehearsals, I underestimated the effects of repeating the words describing my husband’s death by suicide or feeling my profound sadness. In some ways I was reliving the first days after his death and the biggest surprise for me was the intensity of my emotions.

Truthfully, I knew that I had such emotions, but I was ashamed that others would know just how deeply I felt about Tony’s suicide and how profoundly I was affected by his loss even 25 years later.

When I gave the talk on October 6th, everyone who either watched it in person or via live stream now knew my shame too. 

When you watch the video (if you haven’t already watched, my post will make more sense after you watch it), you can hear how I can barely catch my breath or hold my emotions in check. Folks, if this is how I feel after 25 years, imagine what it is like for folks who are much closer to the loss of their loved ones! 

Being a suicide-loss survivor is hard and there is no timeline for any of us to follow. As I mentioned in the talk, those who die by suicide and those who lose loved ones to suicide are treated differently. 

Now that everyone knows about my shame, I might as well keep talking about it. For those of you who are going to write me to give me permission to feel how you think I should feel, please don’t. This is not yours to manage. 

We will all be better served by making it easier for people to seek out services when they need support and to make mental health just as important as physical health. I will continue to write and speak about suicide-loss survivorship. 

Be You and Be Safe,

Susamma